The First Time I Ever Got Paid Big $$$ To Nap and Eat Chicken Fried Steaks In The Crapper

4. What was your first job?

I was a slave. I had to weed the garden for my slave driving mom. The scorching sun would beat down upon my toes turning them neon pink so I would cover them with cold dirt as I cursed god, mothers and vegetables in general.

Ok, that wasn't really a job because I didn't get paid shit.

The first job I had that paid money was babysitting the neighbor kids. I would make the kids go to bed early then I'd snoop through all their parents stuff, looking for condoms or dildos or porn or anything the devil thought was rad. One time I found pot in my sunday school teachers closet. I liked him better after that. Oh yeah, I would also eat all their cereal and pudding.

Ok, babysitting isn't really a job either.

My first paid job that actually required me showing up was picking corn at 5am on my best friends farm. He was fat and had puberty fat dude pointy boobs but that's another story. I was 14 years old and my coworkers were all the farm wives who would non-stop talk about episiotomies and stretched out ripped vaginas and the basic pumping out of babies. I got paid in corn and I killed the boss with a pitchfork.

Ok that wasn't really a job either since I quit after 3 days.

The first REAL job where I had to fill out an application and wear a uniform and everything was at an all you can eat buffet called Duff's Smorgasbord.

I wasn't cut out for work. I would sneak chicken fried steaks and eat them in the bathroom. I also took naps in the bathroom. The managers name was Randy, he didn't have a head, just a long neck with ten adam's apples and hair on top with a mangled looking mouth with backwards teeth and glasses that sat atop his cowboy boot sized beak which enlarged his two beady eyes to the size of, ... uhhh ---- ummmm --hmmmmmnnn, ------- oh!, those chicken fried steaks I would eat in the bathroom.

Randy liked to give pink slips.

Three pink slips from Randy meant you were fired.

Randy gave me pink slip #1 for stealing chicken fried steaks and eating them in the bathroom, Randy gave me pink slip #2 for sleeping in the bathroom.

Randy liked to teach me how to keep the little slice of stainless steel between the mashed potatoes and gravy shiny and gravy free. I wasn't so adamant about it. You wouldn't believe how fast that gravy turns into solid brown glue. My wiping skills were sub-par at best but my gravy skin breaking skills were top notch.

Randy could only see my faults.

Randy didn't care about gravy skin breaking prowess.

Randy seethed with rage.

Sensing Randy's bony fingers itching to give me my final pink slip, I went into the washing machine room and dumped the whole box of detergent into the washing machine, turned it on, waited for the bubbles to overflow, went to the main office, called Randy a runt and high tailed it out of that grimy slophouse.

I was not about to be fired by the likes of Randy.

I saw one of the dishwashing mexicans about a week later, he said my soap trick worked and filled the whole room "weeth babbles" and that I was a hero and legend for doing it and calling Randy a runt. Now everybody calls him "Runty"

Oh yeah, once, my shift started at noon on a sunday, when I got there I followed a 400 pound blobman into the place, when I left 5 hours later, I followed him out. He ate the whole time, mostly chicken fried steaks and pudding.

Oh yeah, one other time I caught a dude filling his pockets with meat. This wasn't uncommon but very much against the rules. I didn't turn him in but I gave him major stinkeye because I had AUTHORITY.

The End

Now here are some new pictures of Yana.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught dumping all the leftover desserts into a big mixing vat, adding a bunch of chocolate syrup, mixing it up, cooking it and calling it brownies.
Your Next In Line For The Throne (crapper),
Marie Osmond