Boy George Dood, Boy Fucking Gad Damn George.

The other night I was was trying really hard to go home early because I was tired as your H&M outfit. Problem was I knew I only had a hundred dollar beak in my pocket and I know cab drivers get all wrinkled and stinky about that crap. I thought about having another 2 dollar drink to break it but one doesn't look like a high roller breaking a hundred on a 2 dollar drink, one looks like somebody who is spending their rent money chasing a magic pony.

Anyway, I snuck out of the bar passing many outstretched pleasedon'tleaveme arms along the way. I considered for a second going to the liquor store and buying some dog food and toilet paper to break the 100 but dog food and toilet paper is best bought with a yogurt carton full of pennies and mexican pay phone tokens so that was a no-go.

Crap.

I knew this was just gonna be an issue when I left the house. If I got into a cab and didn't say anything about the 100 til Cabtime rolled up to my steps, guaranteed, Osama Bin CabDude would jihad all over the place and crap his diaper about it.

I hailed the first cab. He stopped and I opened the back door.

"I only have a hundred, can you break it?"

"Wheh yoo go?"

"Alamo Square"

"Aballabbalooba ding dong boop boop boop"

And he sped off.

The nerve.

It's not like it's a Canadian Thousand Dollar Dudley Dooright Commemorative coin or some shit. I mean aren't 100s the new 20s?

I do **NEED** dog food and toilet paper.... I'll try one more cab.

I stand there for a few seconds and watch AllaballaDingDong who sped off do a fast spazzdick U-Turn to pick up some wasted drunken douchebag in a Miami Vice suit halfway down the block.

Without even hailing it, almost Immediately, a new cab rolls up. Maybe I hailed it but I don't remember on account of bein tired as your jokes. Some cab drivers can just tell who needs a cab I guess.

I open the back door and as soon as the interior light goes on I spot a big old wad of cash right there in a little puddle on the floor.

Did I mention it was raining?

I quickly got in and closed the door to extinguish the god damn rainbow that was pointing straight at my fucking pot of gold.

"Act normal. You didn't just find a wad of cash. You are bending over to scratch the chicken pox on your ankle, not to pick up a free wad of cash. Easy fucking does it." I said to myself in my head.

"How's things? Rain's good fer business right -- right?" I said aloud.

"Oh tonight has been quite a trial." he said. "I made the mistake of picking up a drunk who didn't know where he wanted to go so he told me to just drive."

"Uh huh, uh huh -- yeah, whoa, that sucks.." I say and nod as I covertly count my prize.

"So 10 minutes later he looks like he's gonna barf so I stop and drop him right back there a half a block from where I picked you up.."

"Was he wearing a beigeish suit?"

"Why, I reckon he was, how'd y'know?

"I don't know, I was just looking in that direction and I saw some stumbling, drunken Don Johnson lookin douchebag hailin' a cab." I said.

"Whaddaya know, I guess y'never know who's watchin." He laughs.

"Ho man, there's like 75 bucks here." I said to myself in my head. "This is awesome."

"And of course the bastard stiffs me." Cabbie said.

"Huh? What?"

"Yeah, the bastard completely stiffs me on a 20 dollar fare."

Buzzkill?
Yeah.

Long story awesome, I decide to turn into fuckin' Kris Kringle. I mean I may as well , I look like him anyway and it's not like I had that money to begin with. He pulls up to my joint and I notice he looks exactly like a cab driver Norman Rockwell would have painted.

"Thanks bud-- stay safe. Don't take anyone to Hunters Point" I said as I handed him the entire 75 dollar wad and quickly cab-slam the door.

I don't believe in karma or crap like that, but that was like double, triple or quadriple karma right there.

1. I got a free cab ride without bustin a Hunnie.

2. AllaballaDingDong probably got barfed upon and stiffed by Don Johnson.

3. Don Johnson probably got beheaded by AllaballadingDong when he was unable to produce any cash.

4. Norm Rockwell Cabbie gets his 75 bucks.

5. I get credit for tipping Marlon Brando style.

6. On second thought, maybe I was on nightline NBC or something to test my goodness factor or some shit because what was with the cab driver sayin "Guess ya never know who's watchin" -- maybe that just creeped me out and I'm still just a dude who doesn't wanna get caught bein an asshole.

But whatever.

Sometimes shit is rad.

Boy George dude, Boy George.

The End

Now here are some New/Old pictures of Yana, Butterface, and the Late beloved Senator Ron "Chico" Lopez. Oh yeah and ME.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught singing Karma Chameleon with a russian accent to your dogs non-stop for three days.
Your Least Favorite Bus Driver,
Big Bird